Sep
5
The Art of Biting Your Tongue
Filed Under People Skills, Communication
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I’ll be honest.
If I said everything I’d like to say, I wouldn’t have a job. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t have much of a social life either. And family? Forget about it!
We all bite our tongues everyday to keep our relationships (and lives) in tact. It’s something we simply have to do because we live in a civilized society. Out of respect for social etiquette, we don’t let our sporadic (and often inappropriate) mental outbursts escape without warning at any given moment through out the day. If we did, we’d end up saying things we don’t really mean, or things that offend people, or things that cause serious, irreparable damage to relationships (and jobs).
If you need some help biting your tongue at times, don’t fear - you’re not alone! It’s a noble cause though, so here are a few tips to help you along the way:
Take a breather
Step away from the situation and take a few deep breaths. When someone is really pushing your buttons, get out of the situation as quickly as possible. Before doing anything, simply sit quietly and collect yourself. Don’t go running your mouth off to your friends and getting yourself all worked up again. Just let the situation defuse itself with time.
Write it down…then burn it
Personally, I find writing to be the most freeing and satisfying activity in the world. When I’m really boiling over about something, I let it flow straight onto paper. I don’t pay any attention to spelling or grammar or even if I’m making any sense. I just let it pour wildly out. When I’m done, I’m usually sweating and breathing hard - which is a wonderful sign that I’ve just expelled a bunch of toxic crap that would have simply eaten away at me if I’d kept it inside. The critical thing to remember here is that this paper is for your eyes only. Write with the understanding that there is no consequence for your words. You are totally free. When you’re done, burn it. Or shred it. Do it with intent and with the idea that all your feelings of anger, frustration, hurt, etc. are being burned as well. Once it’s out you are free to move on.
A word of caution: DO NOT be tempted by the idea of sharing what you’ve written. Don’t write a letter in the heat of the moment, stamp it and drop in the mailbox. Don’t shoot off an email. The point of this exercise is to get it out without anyone else being involved in the process.
Talk it over with a sympathetic ear
Having a best friend, or a significant other, who truly listens is a gift. (If they need some help, have them read How to Be a Good Listener.) Treasure that person and utilize them when needed. Give them a call or take them out for drinks. Tell them right up front, “I’ve got to whine for a few minutes” and then let it all out. This obviously works best when they’re not involved in the situation. On objective opinion can be helpful. Of course, there are sometimes when, personally, I don’t really want an opinion. I just want someone to listen and agree that I have every right to feel angry/frustrated/wronged. In such a case, I usually specify this - “Just let me whine and tell me I’m right”. It’s totally fair. Your best friend/significant other knows you. They understand this stuff.
Consider the damage if you didn’t bite your tongue
Sometimes, when things really make you upset and you want to just let it out whatever the repercussions, stop for a minute to consider exactly what the repercussions are. If you tell this person (your boss, your sister, your husband) exactly what you’re feeling, how will they react? Will it help the situation or will it make things worse? I can tell you that 9 times out of 10, “letting it all out” causes more trouble than it’s worth. I’m not saying that you have to fake it, but consider your words and honestly access how voicing your opinion will impact the situation. If it has the potential of escalating the negative intensity of things, back off.
These are the things I do to help me when my emotions are running wild and I just want to explode on someone. Please share your tricks…you know you have some!
If you liked that post, then try these...
Creating a "Communciation System" With Your Boss by Chrissy on January 30th, 2008
Giving Positive Feedback by Chrissy on November 28th, 2007
Be A Better Boss! by Chrissy on February 5th, 2008
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Customer Service Carnivale: The Core Character Edition…
Good Monday and thanks for joining us here at the Customer Service Carnivale! This edition covers a wide variety of topics - a couple of which you may not think are related to customer service - but once you get……
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Other than writing blog posts and being a a life coach, I do part time work as an Executive Assistant.
I cannot tell you how important this article is to me at this moment. One of my wealthy clients lashed out at me this week so viciously that I have actually been sick to my stomach over it for three days. Over a $10.00 charge for one thing.
I wanted to do all the things you said not to do. Send the letter - quit -(she pays well) - call her and tell her off. Everything! The criticism was so unjustified.
Fortunately, I did nothing. The best advice you gave was to let it pass.
So, I am going to do just that.
Thank you for helping me to just let this go.
[…] I said everything I’d like to say, I wouldn’t have a job. Come to think of it, I wouldn’t have much of a social life either. And family? Forget about […]